I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
