Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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