who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
