why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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