remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i out mim tonsoeep
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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