We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
