I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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