i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
