the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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