I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
