I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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