so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
