Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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