I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
