I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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