so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
