literally had 100 drinks last night.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
