she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The feeling are messing with the penis
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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