The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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