She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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