You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
