remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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