she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
