what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
