Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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