im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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