I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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