if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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