Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
