Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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