WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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