the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
