I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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