there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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