Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i need some magic done to my vagina
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
