i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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