I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
