She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
