I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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