he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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