haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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