Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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