drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
