i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
