Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
