I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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