I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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