life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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