looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
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