I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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